


Fragile Things

by ThisIsMyTruthTellMeYours



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Gen, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-26
Updated: 2020-01-26
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:34:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22424149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThisIsMyTruthTellMeYours/pseuds/ThisIsMyTruthTellMeYours
Summary: It does not make sense to Remus that she should want him. He is too old, too dangerous, he can bring her nothing but sorrow. This story is set at the beginning of HBP. Remus and Tonks meet, and they're nothing but honest with each other...
Kudos: 1





	Fragile Things

_**DISCLAIMER:** _ _The ideas are mine, the characters, sadly are not._

* * *

" _And so you'd soon be leaving me alone like I'm supposed to be" Elliott Smith - I didn't understand_

* * *

Somewhere on the northeast of England, out of the way of anyone who was going anywhere that mattered, there was a field of flowers. At the end of the afternoon, just before the twilight, when the sky had that uncertain colour in between blue and red and the sun moved faster and faster to hide behind the mountains and hills on the distance, the thousands of colorful flowers seemed even more beautiful than they were during the day, spreading themselves over hundreds of square metres of the greenest grass ever seen.

The garden existed since the 19th century, with protective spells surrounding it, which suggested it had been created by wizards. The spells kept muggles and dementors and all that belonged in the darkness away. And although no one knew precisely who had cared for those flowers that long ago, people said a victorian witch had planted each and every one of them, and nurtured them without the help of her wand, for years. Her hope was that those flowers would keep her company after her friends and family had perished in the war.

Yes, there had been a war between wizards, over a hundred years ago. And many others before that one. And the reasons that motivated those conflicts have been forgotten like Voldemort's reasons someday will be. Stories become legends with the passage of the years, and the horrors of the present become tales to be told around a fire on an autumn's night.

Whoever believed this war was the first one in the magic world was most sadly mistaken. Whoever thought it would be the last one was merely naïve.

Remus Lupin was neither.

The werewolf walked alone across that field. His poor figure contrasted gravely with the surroundings. Remus seemed to have neglected shaving for at least a couple of days, and he looked so sickly thin that he might as well have starved during that time too. His hair had grown several inches since those long-forgotten days when he fancied himself a teacher, there were dark rings under his eyes and bruises and scratches all over his body.

An old greyish overcoat hung over his shoulders, an old-fashioned piece of clothing missing three buttons, and at least two sizes too big for him. It was unnecessary to wear it under the warmth of the sun rays, but his shirt was torn in many different places and and Remus knew better than to expose such garment.

What he didn't know was how scary it was to look at him, and see that that sparkle of life had vanished from his eyes, leaving behind little more than a walking corpse, waiting to shift under the watchful eyes of the full moon.

Soon Remus sat on the grass, leaning the weight of his body on his arm, the palm of his right hand flat against the ground. He pulled one daisy closer, to smell it, but a fraction of a second later the wizard distanced his nose from the flower. Daisies had never been his favourite fragrance, and that place filled up his mind with poisonous thoughts. The sunshine and the flowers, the grass and the wind, none of that made him forget that he was fighting a war, on the contrary, they reminded him of it. Those daisies, testimony of the pain inflicted by a nearly-forgotten conflict reminded him that even if they were to destroy Voldemort, peace would not last.

Those thoughts had tormented Remus every night since Dumbledore had given him a more active role in the Order of the Phoenix. What if we make it through this war, what then? Another war will come, and tomorrow will be just as dark and full of death as today has been. Is it worth to keep fighting over an unbeatable enemy, kept alive by the very feelings and compulsions that make us who we are?

And even if for a brief period of time there were to be peace, his private struggle would never be over. The society he now was giving his life to protect would never have a place for him. He would always be a menace, an outcast, a werewolf. And again, those selfish thoughts filled up his mind: Is it worth it?

Remus would never be in that field, if Nymphadora had not asked to meet him there.

Nymphadora... Lupin remembered the last time he had seen the young auror, several weeks ago. It was the morning after the incident on the Ministry when Sirius was killed. Dumbledore sent Remus and Tonks to Grimmauld place, 12, to guard the house while there were still important files of the Order there, now that he was not sure as to whether or not the Death Eaters would manage to get in.

Their job was to wait for Dumbledore to come and cast his protective spells over the house, and Remus sat quietly, staring out of the window, waiting, still numb from the death of his very best friend. He was all alone now, he thought, while watching Tonks' reflection on the window. A few days ago, Sirius had accused him to be falling for his young cousin, and he had even encouraged Moony to pursue that relationship. "She fancies you, I'm telling you, Remus" Sirius would insist "Trust me, I know more about women than you any day"

Remus had laughed at the time, dismissing that possibility. He didn't want to give Sirius the satisfaction of learning that he was right about his friend's feelings, that he did have a thing for Tonks, something he didn't even understand yet, something strong, but he was also very aware that she was just out of reach.

"What are you reading?" Tonks asked, reminding Remus that there was an open book on his lap, while he allowed his thoughts to wander.

"Something I found in Sirius' library about the rare magical creatures of Ireland"

"Magical creatures? I didn't know you liked that, Remus."

Remus turned his head to look at her. Of course Tonks didn't know what he cared to read, they had barely exchanged 5 words about anything that wasn't related to the Order of the Phoenix, ever. He had been watching her, he knew her favourite hair colour was pink, he knew she talked to her parents everyday, he knew she particularly disliked to change the shape of her ears when a disguise was necessary. But she didn't know anything about him, and he wondered why was she interested now. Was she pretending to be interested? Did she just want to talk?

"I acquired an interest on the subject when I taught at Hogwarts. Magical creatures were the topic for the third year students and they were the best class I taught." he explained, patiently "I figure this book must have belonged to Sirius' parents, it seems to focus mostly on dark creatures."

"I never really liked studying magic creatures" she said and then she stopped talking suddenly reprehending herself internally for saying something so out of place. He didn't answer, it was not exactly surprising to Remus that the two of them didn't have that much in common. But he was slightly upset for having that pointed out so clearly.

Had Remus not lowered his head, to try and read something, he would have noticed Tonks was glancing back at him every couple of seconds. She was moving a few books over the shelf, more to keep herself busy than for anything else, and on account of her lack of attention three or four heavy books fell heavily over the witch's toes.

"Ouch!"

"Is everything okay?" Remus rushed in her direction, worried. " Are you hurt?"

"I'm- yeah, I'm- I'm okay, I guess..." the young woman stuttered and shivered when she felt Remus touching her arm.

"Are you sure?" He let go of her arm, surprised by that reaction, still standing next to her, not entirely convinced she was not injured.

"Yes. No. I mean. There's something you should know. Something- Something I have to tell you."

He raised his eyebrow, once again closing his book and looking at her, both curious and surprised by her last sentence.

She stood there for a few minutes, looking at him, before opening her mouth:

"You really don't know what is it that I have to tell you?"

He had never seen Tonks speaking in such a tense voice. She was generally such light company, making jokes and shifting the shapes and colours of her nose and hair all the time. That joviality was one of her traits that attracted him the most. She never seemed to be upset, no matter how tough the day had been, and he had never seen her cry. She was always thinking about what would they do next, always eager for the fight, always impatient for her next assignment.

But now her voice was tense, even a little hoarse, and he became worried. What could she want?

"I thought it was obvious by now, I mean, Molly knows it, Dumbledore probably knows it, he knows bloody everything, and I'm positive Mad-eye also knows..." she started to ramble, looking at her own hands while speaking. "The only person who seems not to know anything about it is you, and unless I say something nothing is going to happen, and I can't take this much longer..."

Lupin stood in front of her frozen solid, as he watched her rambling about things he didn't quite understand. What had Mad-eye to do with anything? He had an idea now of where that was going, but he wouldn't admit that absurd possibility, not even for a second. If he was wrong, he would fall and crash so hard...

"And I think that you should always say what's inside of you because you can't expect people to read your mind, I know I can't expect you to read mine,even if sometimes I do, but that's wrong, and the worst thing that could happen is still better than not knowing. And I think you probably will find this all ridiculous and meaningless, but-"

She wouldn't stop talking. He heard her mention Sirius, and what had happened, and how lonely everything probably was for him, and how it didn't have to be. She talked about honesty and courage, and so many other things that at some point Remus' attention was lost and he merely watched her jaw move up and down as she walked back and fourth nervously across the room.

"Remus!"

"What?" he asked, suddenly ripped off of his confusion.

"I love you."

He allowed his body to fall heavily over the armchair by the window. He couldn't deny what was no longer a possibility, but he couldn't believe it either.

"I love you. There I said it." She spoke again, and Remus was speechless. For weeks her beautiful face was all he could see in his mind, and he would have given anything in the world to listen to those three words, to know that Sirius had been right. Before that, Remus imagined himself calling Tonks his girl, his girlfriend, then his wife and he imagined himself being happy with her because if he had her he would have everything he needed and she would feel the same. In his mind everything worked so well.

But she had finally said the words he thought he wanted to hear the most and he was not happy. All he could think about was that Tonks was spoiling her youth, giving her heart to someone who couldn't possibly deserve it. She had no idea what she was getting into, and he couldn't let her crash that hard. He had to protect her. And he knew what he had to say but the words did not came easily:

"You can't" he said finally.

"What?"

"You can't, you can't love me."

"But I do. It's more than that, I'm in love with you."

She was in love with him.

"Tonks..."

"Listen I know how this seems, but it's true. I think about you at the most unpredictable hours, I can't focus, and I pick the colour of my hair wondering what you are going to think of it, and I listen to songs in the radio and they all seem to be about us. And I know how- How silly that sounds, but I'm in love with you. I love you so much that it hurts."

Remus wished she would stop talking. The more she talked, the more difficult it was for him to do what he had to do, the more easily it was to picture himself kissing her, and having her in his arms. But then he looked at her, at her young face, she was new to many things in the world, she was undamaged, and he decided not to be the one to break her.

"I'm too old for you."

"I don't care!"

"You don't care now, because you're having an infatuation. But this will go away"

"It's not an infatuation- How can you- What I feel for you- feels like it's going to last forever."

"I had finished Hogwarts already when you were just a kid, Tonks!"

"I'm not a kid anymore."

"I have no money."

"And I do?"

"You deserve someone better."

"Stop worrying about me. I deserve what I want, and all I want is you."

"Stop it. You don't know what you're talking about"

The more she resisted, the harder it was for him to remain calm, and soon his voice became louder and louder, and his eyes no longer met hears as they spoke.

"I'm too old and too poor for you Tonks..."

"None of those things matter, if we are..."

"If we are what?"

"In love."

A heavy silence followed those two words, and Tonks exploded.

"You know it, you feel it too!"

"Don't do this."

"No, you don't do this. Stop trying to protect, me, I don't need you to be my father."

"I could easily be..."

"But you're not, and you love me too."

"Tonks..."

"Then say it. Look me in the eyes and tell me that the reason we can't be together is that you don't love me instead of some stupid attempt to shield me from things you can't possibly protect me from."

"I can protect you from myself. And I will."

"I don't nee that..."

"I'M A WEREWOLF! Do I have to be more clear than that? I'm a monster, a menace, a hazard. When I walk in, people look the other way. I'm not welcomed anywhere and no one who's connected with me in any way is."

"I don't mind."

"You don't know what it's like. You've never seen me during the moon,..."

"Do you really think it would make a difference?"

"It would make every difference."

"Then take me with you. The full mull is not for another week, when it comes take me with you, I'll prove that I don't fear you."

"Have you lost your mind? Do you have any idea what a hungry wolf can be like?"

"I can defend myself."

"No you can't. And you don't have to."

"Remus-"

"I am Dangerous. Don't pretend you don't know it."

He walked away from that room, after that, and he walked towards a window and pressed his forehead against the cold glass, wanting more than anything to forget what just had happened. But weeks later, in the midst of that field of daisies, he remembered every second of that conversation. He didn't talk to her after that, but she wrote him a letter, "you've twisted my entire world and I don't know how to set it right again"... The trouble is that, when someone says something like that too many times, you might start to believe it.

But he didn't have to deal with any of that, because soon Dumbledore sent him away, asked him to infiltrate a pack of werewolves, to spy on them and try to bring some to their side. It was a difficult task. They were not fond of werewolves that had been trying to live their lives like ordinary people, and Voldemort offered them freedom they could never have with Dumbledore. Freedom to hurt and mutilate people, to kill indiscriminately, to explore the depths of the violent impulses that controlled them during the full moon. Freedom to turn others into what they were.

And in the beginning, Tonk's face on his mind was the one thing that kept him going. That reminded him of who he was and that he was different from those monsters. That beautiful, courageous and kind young woman loved him, so there should be something special about him. He would imagine them together, and write her name over and over in his journal, and draw her face on a sheet of paper he carried everywhere with him. Remus felt like a teenager again, a teenager hopelessly in love.

And he was thinking of writing to her and apologizing, and telling Tonks she meant the world to him and he loved every single thing about her. Everything was going to be okay once that assignment was over. Remus did wrote Tonks, asking to see her, and that was when she set the day on the daisies field.

But that was before the day Remus went to a pub with his pack, the day when one of the wolves said things that got to him. There were three or four girls at that pub, they couldn't be much older than twenty, throwing themselves at the wolves, claiming profound affection. Remus had no taste for those diversions and he sat at another table, with the werewolf he had gotten closer to.

"Aren't you going to join them Remus? There are a lot of girls, I'm betting there's one for a depressive puppy dog like yourself."

"They're going to die. Aren't they?"

"Probably." the other wolf said, shrugging.

"We can not stop the shifting, but we don't have to kill to survive, we don't need it!"

"Oh, stop it, of course we do. If there was a spell to cure lycanthrophy, do you really thing they" And he pointed at the others "would want to have it? As much as you struggle with this, Remus, most of us are very happy the way we are."

Remus didn't object. He recognized truth on those words, as much as they depressed him. Being a werewolf was an out-of-jail free card to do whatever one wanted. All he had to do was to claim he was under the effects of the moon, and most of them liked that impunity. And it was a while since the other wolf spoke again.

"They deserve whatever they get, anyway."

"Who?"

"Those lovely ladies paying drinks to our friends."

"What do you mean, they're-"

"Innocent?" he laughed "They all know we are werewolves Remus."

"They do? And they don't mind?"

"Oh, they mind very much. That's the single reason those girls are here. They want to go home in the end of the night and tell their best friends everything about what is it like to kiss a werewolf. They like the danger, they are curious, they want to do what few others have courage to."

"This is sick!"

"Oh, stop, have you never met a woman who wanted to be with you because of what you can do? Or you really believed in all of them when they said they fell in love for your gloomy personality?"

The sound of Tonks' steps approaching pulled Remus out of his daydreaming.

"Hello, Remus" She greeted him softly and sat by his side. There was a strange expression in her eyes. Was it fear?

"Interesting place you picked for our gathering." Remus didn't remember his voice been so dry. "You know... Surgeons who accompanied Roman legions into battle made their slaves collect these flowers and extract its juice that would be used on the treatment of wounds. Daisies were believed to have healing properties."

Tonks merely looked at him, and this time the expression on her eyes was one of admiration for his intelligence. For some reason that bothered him as well.

"You said you wanted to meet me..." Tonks started.

Remus remained in silence. His expression was harsh, rigid. He was not looking at Tonks. It had been a long time since he had written that letter, and what he intended to say t her had changed. So drastically he didn't know where to start. And she spoke again:

"I missed you."

"No you didn't," his response was immediate, and after a few seconds he explained "you didn't write to me at all, before I sent you that mail. I was within your reach."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying it's too easy to sit here and tell me I mean something to you if your words themselves carry no meaning."

Tonks chin felt in disbelief, and she reached out her hand to touch him but once again, Remus avoided her touch. She closed her fist in the air and pulled her hand back.

"How can you say that, after everything I told you?"

"You told me-"

"I told you I love you."

"No you don't."

"What?"

"What you feel for me, is curiosity." He said at last "I'm a werewolf and that's exactly what you see when you look at me. I am dangerous, and you know it. You like that about me. How many other people can say they were with a werewolf? They're are not as tough as you are, as courageous as you are,... So you became an auror. No surprises there. You like being admired for those things, don't you?"

Tonks was speechless. That was okay. Remus was not nearly close to the finish.

"I'm older than you. But again, you see that too. I'm different from the men you're used to, different from men your own age. And you're curious about that, you want to explore the extent of those differences... Or maybe you're just tired of being with people like yourself.

"You have never seen me with anybody. I'm always the one who sits by himself, with a book and some memories. And that too attracts you, does it not? You want to have what no one else could. And you treat me like my company, my- my- my love was some sort of prize for the courage to approach me, the persistence to endure my refuses. The best one gets me, is that not what you think? And you want that prize so badly you are willing to claim true love to get it."

A lonely tear felt from Tonks' bright dark eyes. The expression on her face was a mix of disbelief, pain and surprise. But Remus didn't pay attention to any of that, he couldn't afford to be distracted. He still had a lot to say.

He felt used. He believed all of the things he was saying about Tonks, and he regretted all the long hours he's spent dreaming about her, the drawings he did of her face, the plans he had made for the both of them.

"I hurt people. And when I told you that you dismissed it as if I was a teenage boy playing hard to get. But I'm deadly serious."

"Remus..."

"Last night there was a full moon, you know, Tonks?" he asked, all of his anger boiling to the surface. "And this morning, when I shifted back to my human form there was blood in my mouth. BLOOD! And I couldn't remember where it came from. Do you have any idea what that means?"

"It could be any-"

"YES! It could be anything. It could be the blood of a muggle who had no idea werewolves existed before I attacked him, it could be the blood of an animal, it could be the blood of a little girl that I bit, and who'll go through her first shift on the next moon. I could have ruined her life forever and I'll never know about it!"

"You were in your wolf form. You were not- I don't care about these things!" She cried openly now, unable to refrain her tears.

"Listen to yourself! 'I don't care!' What do you think this is? Do you think I'm the character of some adolescent romantic novel? 'I don't care!" Come on, Tonks! I might have killed someone, I might have done something worse! You don't get to not care!"

"Remus-"

"You do everything by the book. Claim to love me, claim to need me, claim to miss me, because you know that-" You know that I would eventually believe you, he thought about saying, but he couldn't. He didn't want her to know how much he hurt inside. He couldn't bare to be exposed in such manner.

But he had to make sure she would give up on him after that, he needed to put the subject off of his mind. And in order for that to happen he had to do something difficult. Something he was not sure he could do .

Remus looked at her, right into her eyes and did what she had asked of him all those weeks ago:

"I don't love you. I never will." he said, using all of his strength not to break down in front of her. "All I could ever do to you is harm."

Tonks didn't say anything, she couldn't, she could barely think, she was crying so hard! And Remus hurt, because in spite of what he had said he loved her. More than he ever thought he would be able to love someone and as much as he didn't believe she could feel the same for him he didn't want her to suffer. He wanted to hold her right there and tell her that everything was going to be fine, he wanted to tell her she could do a lot better than an old werewolf to poor to buy himself a decent overcoat, he wanted to tell her... so many things that he couldn't.

So he simply stood up, and walked away. She watched him going but he never looked back, till he apparated and there was no way for her to know where he was.

Tonks was crying.

But Remus was the one who went away bleeding.

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: This is yet another old story. Remus is among my favorite characters, one I believe I understand well (indeed, there are other Remus stories on my profile), but I never really cared for Tonks as his romantic companion. I like her as a character, but I think Remus deserved... more. Be that as it may, I hope the Remus and Tonks I have written about in this story feel as in character to the readers as they seemed to be to my eyes. I rely on reviews to know that... I truly believe Remus would have had such thoughts, and I will as far as to say that the scene depicted here could have happened in the books, and things might have turned out just as they did in the end, with Teddy still in the epilogue. People are always saying goodbye, and saying hello again, after all... I hope this stories, turned out okay, though. It was the first time I ever wrote Remus and Tonks, and I haven attempted to do it again since. Perhaps it's time I give another try.
> 
> This has been Beta-Read by RoseScor90. Any mistakes left are my responsibility,...
> 
> LLAP


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